Letter to an ex

Dear HK,

Where shall I begin?You are that special love every girl searches and seldom finds. Ever since the first time I saw you I knew my life was about to change forever. I still remember that day when that next door phoren returned uncle brought you into our house and called me and introduced us. You looked so fine and dapper in that silver suit and the neat little bow. What a wonderful package you truly were. Dark,handsome,dazzling yet with such a softest heart. You made my little girlie heart go dhak dhak and made it purr much like the engine of that new car bought by that same phoren returned . It started off with one turn of the key unlike our old antique piece of a car which needed to be pushed after stopping ever other mile. If it was compared to cars it was like you were my Lamborghini and I was Michael Schumacher. I was so possessive about you that I would claw the face of that pig tailed cousin of mine who always wanted me to share you with her and make her run home in tears. Even my evil brother was so jealous of us and schemed to separate us by stealing you away from me. The nerve of the guy!But we stood together braving all the bad times and giving two hoots to the outer bedard zaalim duniya (Big bad world). What we shared was so special I know. You were such a big part of my life. Just being with you brought me closer to heaven. My heart still goes putter putter thinking of that first kiss. So sweet and so satisfying. Ah,the melting good times!!

We had to say goodbye to each other very soon after that. Remember how your soft heart broke when dad threw you out of the house unceremoniously along with your silver suit and the bow?I was forced to forget you and banned from meeting you. You know very well that the family dentist had spotted us and outed that to dad and mom. I was threatened with wily sharp scary instruments to let go of you. I was strapped to a fearful looking giant chair under intense light and asked not to meet you again. You cannot realize how much fearful impact that could have had on a little girl. You sang "Don't go breaking my heart" and I sang "I'm leaving on a jet plane",you said "You give love a bad name" and I replied "Let it be,let it be".

So you had to go HK,it was time to move on and we did. When I reached college however I had outgrown you and also realized you were not as wonderful as I thought you were. I don't know whether it was your devdas mood or the gum( not the chewing one people ,have a heart .This is real gum (deep sorrow) of the heart..sniff sniff) of having lost me but you had so many affairs with every other girl I met. And I saw what a havoc you created in their lives. G my once best friend had trouble losing her weight because of your love addiction and she was always worried about her expanding real estates of la la waist land. L almost underwent serious surgeries almost for every teeth and root and canal she had because she had hots for you for a long time. K complained that her clothes had begun to shrunk suspiciously ever since she was serenaded by you. You were such a rogue!You used to cast such a spell on everyone and acted as their agony aunt. Girls especially were attracted to you like a moth to a flame. Whenever they had their hearts broken they all knew they could count on you to make them feel better. But you also made them pay a price didn't you?

But then who can resist true love?You still continued to visit me secretly and I kept trying to fight off the temptation. I was committed and I didn't want to cheat. However what's forbidden is always more appealing isn't it?Remember Adam and Eve,the fools couldn't resist a mere apple and we all know ahem..what happened later. So when you came knocking my door that weekend morning after Halloween in spite of my best intentions and much against my better judgment I gave in to the sin (Did I hear all of you just gasp in horror?) You seduced me with that smoldering come hither looks and serenaded me as I sat at home tending a sick child with nowhere to go on that rainy day. It was as if even nature had conspired. A gloomy day,a cranky child and a husband who was carrying on the most boring conversation about some OMG-we-must-have-it-or-else-we-will-die gadget with another similar minded male homo sapien and the tv showing the most inane sitcoms and antique movies- all perfect for you to have sneaked up on me and caught me unawares. That's when it happened..you and me , it was just like old times. And once I was done I recoiled in horror. Hey bhagwan(God) what had I done? How am I going to wash these chocolate dhaag (stain) off my chunri?Perhaps Tide would help I was sure but then my pre pregnancy skinny jeans heaved a huge deep sigh and mocked me from the wardrobe. I realized just how grave this was!We were looking forward to that tearful reunion perhaps sometime soon. But now after this indiscretion the jeans sadly informed me that the fated reunion would take a long time perhaps like forever or NEVER ever (this is where you all dab your tearful eyes with those fancy perfumed tissues either yours or your neighbors ,do I even need to say that people?what's the world coming to!!)

You,evil you HK,you ought to be ashamed having taken advantage of bholi bhali (sweet and innocent) me. What?you dare say I don't have self control? *Pauses to reflect* well,it has never been my strong point but today I declare I'm denouncing you Mr. Hershey Kisses aka HK and I refuse to give in to you anymore. After all I now have a daughter and I have to be a good role model to her and set a inspiring example. So I will put this one packet Hershey's kisses infamy behind me. Take your silver ,golden or whichever fancy suit you wear these days and get going. Yep,back in that box you came from and tomorrow I'm disposing you all off at the local bottomless pit aka workplace. Yes,that's what I'm going to do with whole lot of you. What?you want a goodbye kiss?unbelievable....just one?? Hmm...if you really insist. But tomorrow you will all be gone forever and don't call me or stalk me through the supermarket aisles. I have decided to turn into a new leaf and on that Skinny jeans mission so stay away!

Dietfully yours,
A slightly enlarged version of an old flame

Florence is in town

It was a sad sad day when Mr. Chimp took ill. He just had retired to bed after a heavy meal consisting some cheetos,cheerios and potato chips ,washed it down with some milk (which he hated as it always ended up leaving his brown fuzzy fur all wet) when the cold bug struck. His shiny coat looked unhealthy than ever with years of being used by a little one as a wiping mop and being dragged all around the house. It was a long time he had been offered the laundry spa services and even though he hated being jostled around in that big white box and getting water up his snort, it left him always with a fresh smelling healthy looking fur and feeling great. But being the sweet self he was, he never complained,afterall he was still much better off than Mr.Giraffe who got thrown out of the window and fell into a muddy pool of water getting all his yellow coat turned brown by the little one in a fit of anger. Poor guy couldn't play the songs he was tuned to play due to depression that having mud in your insides brings. The sloppy kisses however by the little one did help a bit,you see the little one other than those transient fit of tantrums is quite a kind kid. But the Giraffe still nursed some raw wounds.

Amidst of all other friendly inhabitants inside the toyland,it was an undisputed fact that Mr.Chimp was still the most favorite. He has been around long before the little one arrived . He came all the way from China (it said so on the tag he has at his tush even though he always contemplated why he never looked quite asian and hated noodles) and was elated when the little one picked him as a confidant from the pack. He didn't mind being drooled over like there was no tomorrow or having his nose and ears gnawed at all the time, being poked and dragged around like a rag doll,being touched and hugged with sticky fingers and sticky noses all the time. So when Mr. Chimp took ill he was a sight to behold and with the runny nose and sore throat he felt more stuffed than ever. He wondered for a minute if he ought to get an appointment with those fine ENT doctors he often saw on the animal planet. The stuffed paw didn't help much in punching the numbers he soon realized. He still tried to be cheerful with the little one and when she gave out her best hugs to him did he feel a little better. Afterall he was still the leader of the pack and he had to set a good example for the rest of the younglings who often seemed to be full of themselves on how to conduct oneself with dignity even in difficult times. Especially the recently recruited bunch,just the other day he had to intervene to break up a fight between the white bunny and Tweety who was teased because she had developed a mouldy coat. Kids these days!Mr.Chimp sighed. He certainly had his work cut out for him and now this cold was threatening to spoil it.

The little one however was quick to notice that her buddy was not being himself. Wiping her own leaking faucet of a nose with a tissue she scratched her little head thinking how she could help him. It was at that moment she found her Florence nightingale calling. Off she hurried into the room and came back with all her nursing paraphernelia. Mr. Chimp was then unceremoniously made to lie down on the pillow and asked to rest and relax. Ah,serves him right thought the evil Giraffe hoping he will get smeared with some of the little one's snot. Much to the toys surprise the little Florence took it on herself to clear up his blocked passages with the nasal aspirator. Ah,heaven Mr.Chimp thought as she expertedly got rid of all the yellow gooey stuff off his stuffed nose. This was followed by a medicine dropper which also delivered some yucky tasting liquid down his throat. This is for your fever Mr.Chimp the little one whispered as she coughed and patted him and hugged him to make him feel better.

All the toys watched this scene with intense jealously. The teddy bear grumbled under his breath saying why he had not gotten the bug inspite of being left out on the balcony whole night in the cold by the little girl. As they watched, the little one tucked Mr.Chimp into his bed and kissed him goodnight. She then tottled around to her room saying goodnight to all her toys so as to put a smile back on their faces. She then rushed off calling after her lazy mama to get her to bed with her bedtime story. Teddy announced how they would all take turns to entertain the kid till she and Mr.Chimp get nursed back to health from this nasty cold. The Giraffe made up it's mind it would do everything under the sun to usurp Mr.Chimp soon. Afterall it's a toy eat toy world right. Not my nose though she declared,never sacrificing nose for that kid to chew again even though she scores high on the cute factor. Unaware of all the conspiracy Mr.Chimp slept on..Tomorrow would certainly be a new day!

A blogger's world

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND EVERYONE!Go out and have fun.

Creativity and some laughs

These are some creative ads I must say!

Now for some laughs:)

This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

US SHIP: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

CANADIAN REPLY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US SHIP: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIAN REPLY: No, I say again, divert YOUR course!

US SHIP: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS NIMITZ. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.

CANADIAN REPLY: This is a lighthouse. Your call

All of you have a wonderful weekend and send some warm sunshine if possible my way!

Take a look

No posts here today.........but I would like to redirect you.........

here to my fellow blogger Orchid's blog where I am a guest blogger today!Hop in and take a look:)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

UPDATED
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

G.W.BUSH: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

BILL CLINTON: The answer would depend upon exactly you mean by "cross."

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

STEPHEN HARPER: The question is not Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Deepak Chopra:The interesting thing about the tsunami was, no chicken died. They were so tuned in to the forces of nature that they crossed the road to the high level mountainous area on the other side where the tidal waves could not reach (quantum mechanics quantum mechanics).

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

WOODY ALLEN: I don't know, I mean, why would a chicken want to cross the road anyway? To have a relationship, or what? Besides, if it was a Jewish chicken it would probably get run down by some fascist neo-nazi anyway.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU: If that chicken crosses the road one more time I'm going to blow it to hell, then build a settlement on top of its dead carcass.

SUPREME COURT: We refuse to hear the case of the left-winged chicken, the interrogation at the side of the road, or any other such liberal drivel.

John Edward:They’re showing me feathers. Wings. A beak. Do you know an eagle?
A hawk?
A turkey?
A sparrow?
A duck?
A bird of some kind?
Caller: I know a chicken

Edward: You know a chicken that crossed? I thought so because they’re showing me a plate of scrambled eggs.

Larry King: Wow! That’s amazing! How does he do it?

ROSEANNE: Nunnayer bizness what us chickens do! We'll cross the road if we damwell please, and we don't wanna hear any more sexist crap from youse guys...

OPRAH: Hmm...mmm... Is it a problem? Show me some folks who are hurtin' about it, I'll get 'em on the show, and we'll talk about it...

General Pervez Mushraff:The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:This was an unprovoked act of rebellion crafted by the United states and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

New Yorker: Get that freakin' chicken off the freakin' road or I'll break its freakin' neck!

Hillary Clinton:If I become the President I'll do everything within my power to provide free access to ALL chickens on ALL our nations roads, at ANY cost.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

MARTHA STEWART:No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Some more:Hey guys,share if you have any more!

Britney:The chicken crossed eh?it crossed without supervision from it's mom and they blame me for being a bad parent?get them here and shave their heads off!(by yours truly)

Russel Peters:.."tell me...did the chickens cross the road,did they!somebody is gonna getta hurt really bad!"... (Thanks Plush)

Thanks to le taureau(Good one buddy!)

Martin Luther king again:That poor black chicken was trying to go to the side of the road where all other white chickens lived. I have a dream. But I really dont wanna talk about it.

Michael Jackson:Why cant even chickens get a sex-change operation? Because, You know its bad. Its bad. Its Really Really bad.

Paris hilton:Dats coz the chickens are crazy, They did something nice and naughty.

Simon Cowell:That was an awful awful perfomance by the chicken. Racoons cross the road better. The chickens should just try again next year.

Donald Rumsfeld:That very chicken was what gave us the report that Iraq had weapons of Mass-destruction. It was just trying to get to Iraq.

Rayshma's vet virologist hubby:"d chicken crossed d road to avoid getting it's virus injection from me"(Thanks Rayshma)

Grandma: "In my day the chicken had to walk 7 miles through the snow to cross the road, and it was darned happy to have that road (Thanks Anne!)

Here's a KBC Shahrukh quiz courtesy Ricky:)

SRK on KBC asks, "Why did chicken cross the road".

Your options are...1. Because it wanted to go to the other side of road.

2. Because it wanted to make people crazy and ask the question, "Why did the chicken cross the road"

3. Because it was annoyed with everyone asking, "Who came first, chicken or the egg" and wanted to divert everyone's attention

4. Because someone on this side of the road said, "Let's have butter chicken tonite"

Shall I freeze your answer?:)Thanks Ricky

Hiss and tell story

WARNING:Long story
Let me make it clear in the beginning itself that I am wary of snakes,I don't actually hate them but I prefer they keep their space and I keep mine provided their space is very very far from me as possible and I prefer them giving me ample notice before they come calling so I can make arrangements to escape from that place.I can't say I have snake phobia,I don't scream and shout and faint as soon as I see one,ok whom am I kidding,perhaps I will stand there too terrified to speak,maybe shout if I can get my voice back and get on my knees and kiss the ground lucky to be alive if the snake does finally cast a pathetic look towards my side and slither away to do some other important business. But then everytime I have encountered one of these distinguished members of the reptile family the snake has made it sure that I remember them well by providing me with plenty of laughs.No,I did not live in a countryside to have grown up with them all around me(that's the stuff my nightmares are made of by the way) but I did spend my early education period in a coastal town where snakes purportedly had decided to co exist with people in harmony. It was the rattlesnakes which were often seen around than any poisonous ones,but to me all of them represented the same,they all evoked the fear of God in me.I think it all stemmed from the fact that my grandmother chose to tell us her encounter with a rattlesnake when she happened to step on one near the barn and it immediately had coiled itself all around her leg(I know,how can you say that story to a child and not expect it to recoil in fear?)So there you have it,I blame this story for my snake phobia.

Anyway this particular story I am about to say is one such amazing encounter.It was a fine lazy afternoon when I was having a good time in my room lying on the bed doing my favorite thing,keeping up with my date with Poirot and Agatha Christie well hidden inside a supposedly harmless zoology text book when I heard a rustling sound coming from underneath the cot.I decided that it must be the cat running around (there was a devilish white cat of my neighbor which used to think its Puss in boots) but then got up to have a look anyway,when I did my Poirot decided to slip down from the zoology text book cover up and fell down on the floor.I then sat down on the bed and picked him up and right then and that moment a big huge,black rattlesnake darted past my hand from under the bed. I jumped up on reflex onto my bed and abandoned my Poirot to face the menacing,teeth gnashing monster of a snake (ok,the menacing and gnashing part is purely my imagination) then I started screaming before I lost my voice to fear and jumped from the other side of the bed and ran out of the room with a speed which would have put Justin Gatlin to shame. In a matter of seconds my brother and mother and even my neighbor Mrs.Rose gathered around me.The snake meanwhile had gone back where it had found peace before I threw Poirot down. Mrs.Rose then informed the other 3-4 neighbors and soon there were 10-15 people inside the house all looking at each other to take the first step and go and introduce themselves to the snake. There was Mrs.Narayan, Mr and Mrs Shetty in tow with their two sons,Mrs.Rose's gallant husband (we never knew his real name,he was always under her shadow )wearing only a dhoti,his explanation was he had no time to slip into anything else as he was in the shower and rushed out when he heard my cry (we were thankful he did not come right from his shower).But they all stood there speaking in low undertones as if not to let their evil schemes be heard by the snake. My brother took a long stick and tried to poke the snake out of its hideout.But it stayed put. There were suggestions made by the ladies that perhaps the snake was pregnant and was searching for a proper delivery room and decided to procreate right under that bed,another one said that it just had a grand meal and was taking a lazy nap,another was of the opinion that given sometime it just might get bored and move out by itself,I also attempted at suggesting that what if the snake was just plain pissed off and looking to attack someone ,which met with lot of disapproval and a warning look from my mom. Everyone just waited but no one made any move,after 15 minutes everyone assumed we will give the snake guy some time to finish his nap and meanwhile they all settled down in the comfy chairs of the living room and there was a round of tea and cookies served.The ladies started talking about the latest sale of the sarees being held at the nearby boutique and the men settled to talk about the latest political scandal.No one was bothered about the seriousness of the situation,there was a snake inside the house under my bed probably planning to have more menacing looking baby snakes in my room! Understandably I was pissed off with this casual attitude.

Ahem..this story is a little long,so taking cue from Dorky dad 's post,maybe I should suggest you guys to call this an interval and take a break and come back with a coffee and a doughnut.

Anyway half way through the tête - à - tête Mrs.Narayan went near the door and called out in a patronizing tone as if singing a jingle "Are you there Mrs.Snake?"and then started to laugh at her own sense of humor,I guess just like me even Mrs.Snake didn't quite like her poor sense of humor and right then decided to show her displeasure by making a sudden appearance in front of the singing lady and she darted out of her new found haven.Mrs.Narayan gave out a loud cry which perhaps would have reverberated through the entire neighborhood and woken all the sleeping owls,and then there was panic,everyone got out of their comfy chairs and made a dash at the front door and my mom caught in the moment got so utterly confused with the names of her best friends and started yelling "Narayani,Narayani come this side" when Mrs.Narayan's first name was certainly wasn't the feminized version of Narayan being Narayani (its akin to calling Jack as Jackie) There was utter confusion by now and the snake was already out of the hideout and now making her way over the book shelf all the way to the top. Mrs.Narayan continued to tremble like a leaf and stood rooted to the place before mom finally dragged her out forcibly from the door. Just then our dog Danny boy was hunting for those cookie bits on the floor and his cold nose happened to tickle Mrs.Rose's feet and the lady thought it was the snake near her leg and went into a panic attack and ran screaming to the door.I was laughing hysterically by this time much to everyone's chagrin. Meanwhile Mr.Rose decided it was high time to end the drama and also go get himself a decent attire and make a call from his cell to one of the proclaimed snake catcher of the area. But the problem was this so called snake catcher was also a coconut tree climber and delivering coconuts during the day time and is usually dead drunk by the evening in his home. Anyway right now he was the savior of the day as no one was brave enough to get the snake out. So out went the guys to get that savior. (I don't know why I feel like inserting that Shrek song "We need a hero" here)

Meanwhile Mrs.Narayan clarified in no-nonsense tones to mom that she doesn't quite fancy herself being addressed as Narayani and she had a perfect sweet sounding first name and would kindly be referred in future with that name. Mom apologized for the confusion and just then Mr.Rose arrived with the drunk snake catcher. He already looked like he had started his evening routine successfully and was nearing its completion. Anyway he took staggering steps towards the snake wildly waving his arms and assuring everyone that why fear when the drunk snake catcher is here. He kept gesturing wildly and saying to the snake how imperative it is for her to leave this place and seek asylum somewhere else.The snake took one look at him and as he continued to talk and take his tottering steps with a rolled out newspaper as the mighty weapon and it decided to get the party started by throwing itself over him from the top of the book shelf. Right when it did so the drunk guy lost balance and fell over the table with the snake. The crowd meanwhile gasped at the sudden turn of events. The drunk catcher meanwhile passed out after the collision (I was very sure it was the drink as well as the fright of having a snake leap out to him for a loving embrace) Mrs.Snake thought it had enough drama for the day and took itself and its enlarged gravid looking tummy (which was later on deciphered as a rat by the fellow neighbors) and without any tearful goodbyes took a hike through the open window right out to the garden. I totally thought she did a quick tango and chuckled as she looked back at the crowd and made a grand exit. I thought it was beautiful!

Anyway as the snake bid goodbye then Mr.Rose took the drunk passed out coconut climber back to his home.And the rest of the ladies left telling that they have to make preparations for the dinner and the guys left after thanking mom for the tea and cookies.Mr.Rose even suggested to mom that perhaps she can send over the money for chasing the snake to the house of the drunk climber sometime next day morning which I vehemently opposed.I felt the snake would not have wanted the drunk guy to steal its thunder.But well who listens to a youngsters moral call these days?But I do hope the Snake if ever it crosses my path again will know that I did fight for its cause and decides to clear all my future paths off the snakes by informing its entire reptile family.

Phew!Congrats to you guys for having patience to read the story till here!You guys really deserve that coffee and doughnut:)So let me hear your snake encounter stories now,the comment stage is yours to take:)