Gift of life

Warning: Proceed at your own risk,I don't guarantee laughs on this one.

How do you tell a 18 year old and his hopeful parents that their only son has end stage illness and has only a few more months to live? It's something you know is inevitable and you also know it's something you just cannot change no matter how hard you try. It's something we are trained to do but yet no matter how many times you might have done it,it's as tough as it always has been and perhaps worse. You dread these moments which make you feel helpless and suddenly the white cape you proudly wear seems to weigh you down with its heaviness. He shows you those beautiful sunrises he masterfully captures in his canvas and the new jersey he fought tooth and nail for so he can wear it for his next playoff match. How do you tell him that probably that playoff won't happen? All I know is I'm expected to look into those anxious,hopeful and tearful pair of eyes tomorrow and give them those answers however painful they will be. For today he stops me in my tracks as I run around the hospital with no awareness of the world outside the white walls and asks me to watch that beautiful sunset through his small hospital window. It's beautiful he says and as I gaze for the first time in months through that window beyond the white walls, I am stunned by the way the silvery sunlight reflected on the lake surrounded by those myriad colors of the the festive trees in all their fall glory giving it all a wonderful picturesque feeling,serene,calm and somehow so comforting.
I feel suddenly thankful for that moment and as I leave he calmly thrusts one of his paintings into my hand and says "Something to remind you to keep looking at those windows". Thanks R, I think I always will.

The journey so far

The things I have done the past few months while I was pulling off that disappearing act.

1. Burnt some midnight oil,sprained a muscle or two,kicked myself for having not been smart enough to have chosen another easier profession and somehow got through a long series of exams.

2. Went through a nerve racking residency match and flew across every corner of the country attending interviews. Drained every penny from PC Man's generous pocket while he sweetly drove me to airport religiously every week and took care of little Ina.

3. Spent the post interview months making PC Man pull his hair out in sheer frustration trying to stop me from chewing my nails off in frenzied anticipation of the results.

4. Finally landed a residency in a field I love but which required a big move from a beloved city to a smaller,colder town in the west. Sold the condo, rented a house in the new town and got poor grandma to fly overseas to help us with Ina.

5. Began a journey of planning a life around a call schedule,being constantly sleep deprived,demanding,thrilling and utterly tiring life as a first year medical resident while trying to balance an equally choatic life with a preschooler.

I love what I do but at times it can get pretty stressful and starts to get to me. It's been just a few months into the training and the constant tiredness at times consumes me. Every 4th day being on call working straight 36-40 hours exhausts me. I miss being there 24/7 for Ina above all. But at the end of each day when she shreiks in delight at the sight of me and comes rushing in with a big little hug and outpouring of such abundant love everything else just melts away making all of it worthwhile. We try to take one day at a time and ofcourse having a great hubby and a patient mom certainly helps!

The week that has been

1. Cleaning up all the cheerios from all the nooks and corners of the house

2. Dusting the sofa and clearing all stains of cheese and bananas off them

3. Learnt how having a toddler in the kitchen while baking is not a good idea and how flour can really be fun to play with albeit the mess.

4. Dabbling with the idea whether to bake a cake or simply get one from the store for the shower before a disastrous attempt at baking and then taking a sane decision of buying it.

5. Comforting a new mom to be as she approaches her due date

6. Living up to my claim of imperfect home maker by shoving things into every available places instead of cleaning the closets out and achieving in giving a false appearance of spick and span home.

7. Finalized my trip to India next month!Yay!

8. Thinking of all embarassing games for the parents to be this weekend at the baby shower(rubbing hands in glee and swishing my red cloak and polished horns)

9. Trying to motivate myself to hit the gym and not procrastinate

10. Taking walks with the little one and squealing with her over the birds and squirrels at the park and chasing butterflies.

11.Getting some paper work done to send for the university

12.Failed miserably to enjoy the sick humor in "Borat"

13. Making silly faces and getting Ina to laugh and giving her piggy rides and reading the same book over a 100 times.

14.Discovered a brand new Mexican restaurant nearby and delightfully pushed the diet plan aside and binged on a weekday night.

15. Reading a delightful book "Be happy or I'll scream" by Sheri Lynch and getting ready for the party on the weekend

Hope the week was good for you folks too,have a wonderful weekend!

Now for another weekly creative ad

Living the moments

First scene: "How old are you little one?" the kind old man asked little Alyssa at the park.
Little Alyssa pulled her little self up and stood tall and replied "I am not a little girl,I'm a big girl now,I'm 8 and a quarter you know"

Second Scene:"So how old are you going to be come next birthday" one of the friend asked *A* when we met after a long time
"Shh..do you have to spoil this conversation by asking this?I am not going even one day beyond 26 right now" *A* replied feeling a little flushed
"Come on *A*,you are already 26 and half,I guess 27 would be more like it" there was then a guffaw among the friends circle and someone did get punched and I received a big kick on the toes for being a loud mouth.

2 Scenes with almost the same question but the answers completely different.I guess as kids we were always in the hurry to grow up. As a kid the age is never a whole number,every little fraction matters. Alyssa is my neighbor's adorable little girl,but you call her little girl anymore and she will surely scowl and correct you saying she is now a big girl. She is seen walking around in her Mum's heels and trying to pretend applying make up and doing up her hair and opting to imitate her elder teenage sister in everyway possible much to her annoyance. Yesterday when she walked in with her mom's handbag and imitating her mom's walking style it crossed my mind as to how in childhood we are so much eager to grow up and explore,be adults.I remember when I used to be told to go to sleep and not allowed to watch tv beyond a certain hour,I would think "how much fun the grown ups have,I just can't wait to grow up and do things at my will".But its a bone of contention amongst my family members and friends whether I ever would truly grow up but hey on one hand I don't think I ever want to grow up at all. Like the Bryan Adam's song "18 till I die" I think everyone needs to keep that child inside them just a little bit longer. I can't imagine right now how even Ina has grown. No longer that whimpering little baby who would fit into the nook of my arms now is constantly on the move and stands tall holding her own,runs around the house pulling things off the shelves and creating a rukus,her curious little hands are always exploring,constantly taking in her wonderful little world, tries to feed herself with the spoon and ends up making such a mess all over her bib and face, takes her tottering steps with big wide brown eyes full of excitement trying to reach that new toy,comes around babbling in her own baby language telling me a million things ,breaking into pearls of laughter when her dad does all the goofy faces or lifts her up and twirls her around,such a whole load of innocence and sometimes I wish I could just tell her to take her time growing up. I guess like Alyssa's mom one day I would also wonder where that little baby has gone and when did she get replaced by a little girl wanting to grow up and put on the make up. We adults lack their energy and their sense of wonder,I guess our world becomes more cynical as we become adults. I always felt if we were to see the world through Alyssa's eyes she would perhaps wonder "Why are they never happy when they get to enjoy such a whole lot of stuff" and we wonder "Why are they always in a hurry to grow up and not enjoy the sweet innocence a lot longer" Sometimes I feel we adults are always in a search,we are never happy with what we have.We always feel happiness would be if we had a little more of something,maybe time,maybe age,maybe wealth,maybe wisdom,why does happiness become equated to something we don't or can't have? I wish I could tell Alyssa how cynical we become as adults and how sometimes being an adult is no fun at all. I hope she and Ina take their time to grow up,play a lot more in the sand,run around the garden with sprinklers in bare feet,build a lot more sand castles at the beach, read a lot of stories of magical adventures, laugh at the simpler things in life, enjoy swinging in the swing and play hide and seek or peek a boos a lot more, dance with a sense of abandon, climb trees,jump with joy,take time to smell the roses and give a lot more smiles to strangers and warm their hearts. Lot many times we end up making them grow up faster and teaching them how good they ought to be in Math,how important it is to know their tables,their history,language and everything but we perhaps forget to tell them the most important thing that they are a marvel and they have the capability to spread their wings and fly and be what they want to be. Something we also ought to remind ourselves how to live and enjoy life for what it is and how happiness comes from within. Let's remember the moment we have today is something we might look back on forty years down the lane,how we had lot of choices and oppurtunities to smile and love,maybe this today might become a nostalgic memory soon. We perhaps have to relearn how to enjoy the small moments and how life is perhaps living moment by moments.

As of now little Alyssa is busy showing Ina how to build those blocks together and how she can grow up and learn to make cookies with mom:) I just told her they could build it together,eat their cookies and perhaps go chase some squirrels at the park,Alyssa's mom chipped in telling there are going to be whole lot of bubbles to blow too. Growing up is more fun when it is in the process and its perhaps not the destination but the journey which counts. As of now however I wish they take it slow and have loads of fun sprinkled generously with laughter,love and innocence.

"When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies." -James Mathew Barrie in Peter Pan