Weekly on call ramblings episode 3$%67

"OMG!OMG!no response at all.I'm just a first year student and I have no clue what to do. Can someone Help!Help" A distressed inexperienced voice calls out

"Do you think she's dead already?" one voice asked

"Nah, maybe she is just in a coma" the smarter pompous voice answers

" Does she have a pulse?" a concerned voice asked

" Do you think she is in a cardiac arrest?Let's do CPR NOW" a biceps flaunting beefy voice intruded

" OMG!do we need to call a code blue then?" a naive and excited medical student voice rang from the crowd

" Quick,grab the paddles,get an IV Line and pump in some oxygen" A enthusiastic voice replied

" Where's my advanced cardiac life support manual,F%^&!there's no way I can do this without it,who the hell remembers all those algorithms man" a lazy voice rang in panic

" Can I shock her please,I have always thought that it was such a cool thing to do" a filmy House,Grey's anatomy enamoured voice pleaded

" Let's intubate her. She should be a breeze. All that work and exhaustion I bet she won't even need anesthesia" A experienced voice volunteered

"Make way you wimps,what the hell are you all doing here. Haven't been reading up those beefy bulky research journals have you?No idea about the latest diseases and diagnosis huh?How will you pass your final exams? This is so totally my game. Make way to the expert" A elderly authoritative voice boomed across the room scattering everyone to the corners and making the poor medical students pee in their pants.

In amidst of commotion he makes a quick phone call and few seconds later an extremely annoying making you want to strangle it and stamp on it up and down till its dead loud "beeeeppp beeeeeeep beeeeeep" sound right next to the presumably dead and comatose body of a white coat clad female. Miracle happens and with a sudden burst of energy Fuzzy the comatose resident jumps up with a start and rubs her eyes and aims a volley of choicest words at the most annoying machine in the world, shakes her first at everyone,heaves a deep sigh and staggers aimlessly out of the room.

"Aha!amazing na. Look at the recovery na,veerrry imppressive" a excited South Indian accented voice resounds.

" This my students is what we call residentio-comatosa. Learn to recognize the signs and always know how to treat it. But I have to warn you the people inflicted with this can be pretty dangerous especially after a month of every 3rd day calls.

Never handle hot liquids of any form when they are around,never stand in their way and yes never never try to take things from them. They are also seen incessantly demanding coffee or caffeine of any form and known to damage dead coffee machines shaking them and trying to get back their wasted $1.25 in the middle of nights.

If they try to harm you just wave a blanket or point a empty bed or a chair or just any empty space and they will just melt away become meek like kittens and slip back to the comatose state. Suggest to take away their pager for a day and they will start dancing like they are on the show "So you think you can dance" and salivate and lick kiss your hands and feet or whatever body parts you wish to offer at that point of time. No cure has been found as of yet but it remarkably wears off by itself at the end of 4 years"

A wave of impressive groans resonates through the room. A quick scribbling is heard as all the newbies take notes and the professor grins widely with that "I'm way more smarter than you all" look. A subdued sound of snoring is heard distantly as a residentio-comatosa takes hold of another sleep deprived resident.

On call ramblings

Hospital corridors look pretty menacing in the nights. They are lonely,dark and eerie and at times make such perfect backdrops for any horror movies.

Infact sometimes when it gets a bit depressing I even fancy myself as a ghost floating around the corridors singing "Aayega..aayega...aayega aane wala call...aayega aayega" What's more with my scrubs and white coat,my chewebacca hair and tired long face I think I make a pretty convicing one too . (Special note to RGV : Are you listening dude? I am ready to sign the contract as long as you can promise my hair will be all shiny,silky and straight like all your ghostly leading ladies. And if you can get Hritik as well to play the co-ghost that would be just awesome. Pst..pst..if you need a swim suit shot being a horror movie I think I can pull it off as well,trust me I look scary as hell in them too sans makeup. So think how much scarier I can look with some make up. (Lavs,maybe I will be the one making it to that list of yours:)) I can also easily pull off the zombie look too dude,I don't even have to try hard for that especially if you keep that shoot after when I'm post call. If you are game just page me through the switchboard of the hospital ASAP and rescue me. And just to warn you,they make baingan bharta with my last name beating it to death so just ask for the fuzzy haired lazy fuzzy doctor and they will know.Bhool na nahi ha?)

Just the reverie of myself in a movie with Hritik gave me a poetic inspiration that call night. I imagined him chasing me around the IV infusion stand with his nerdy glasses and sthethoscope strumming a guitar and we were singing... (bear with me for all the stupid lyrics,remember I was on a sleep deprived on call night and yes feel free to join in with the chorus,to the tune of "Pichle saat dino mein" from Rock on)

Meri laundry ka yek bill...Kis bimari ka kaunsa pill ..ta na na na.. na na na na
Teri pager ka number...meri resident project ka paper....ta na na na ..na na na na
Meri drunken patient ka swing, teri haath ka ye engagement ring
Pichle saat dino mein teen (on call) raat nahi soya, Kabhi khud pe hansa mein kabhi patient ke saath roya

*Heavy guitar strumming*

Khane ko bhi kuch na mili,cafeteria bhi thi nahi khuli.. Ta na na na.. na na na na
Agar khula hota us ghadi, waise bhi uska food hai sadi... Ta na na na ..na na na na
ER mein aa rahe the itne cases, Hum bhi bhaag rahe the saare places,
Pichle saat dino mein teen (on call) raat nahi soya, Kabhi khud pe hansa kabhi patient ke saath roya

Ta na na na ..... chorus

On call ka agla din dopahar aaya, grand rounds mein chup chup ke soya.. ta na na na....

Phir bhi bajti rahi pager, kuch major problems the kuch minor ...ta na na na

Mere senior ne kaha aake tab, ghar bhaago tum log ab,

Pichle saat dino mein teen (on call)raath nahi soye,ab ghar jaake blog wog karna hai karo ya phir so jao

Ta na na na...Na na na na...

Just when I was so revved up with my poetic inspiration the dreaded sound came first in low pitch and then in an increasingly annoying pitch "BEEP!BEEP" and it was time for some productive work again. It was 2 am and a patient ironically was experiencing insomnia. *Sigh*