Parenting hotline

Received this by email from my friend.I thought it was hilarious.Ok,another reason is I've been too busy to post anything else(Lol)I hate forwards in emails because that is what people send when they are way too busy to sit down and type something more meaningful.But hey this one you will enjoy I promise:)

“Welcome to the Parent Help Line. Dial one for our automated menu options. Para el español, marcar por favor dos. Dial three at any time to speak to an operator. Dial four to speak to an operator who has children and knows what she’s talking about. Dial five for an operator who moonlights as a babysitter on New Year’s Eve.

You’ve dialed one. Welcome to the Parent Help Line Automated Menu.
Are you currently pregnant?

Dial one for yes and planned, dial two for yes but unplanned, dial three for yes, unplanned, learning to accept it but spouse is still hostile, dial four for no, thank God.

You’ve dialed four. You are not currently pregnant. Is this correct? Dial one if this is correct, dial two if you’re a complete idiot.

You’ve dialed one. Do you have children?

Dial one for yes, dial two for no but you’re just trying to be helpful/annoying to someone who does, dial three if you’re a mother-in-law looking for guilt trip material to lay on your clueless daughter-in-law who knows nothing about raising your grandchildren.

You’ve dialed one. How many children do you have?

Dial one for one child, dial two for two, dial three for three, dial four for four, dial five if you have unintentionally adopted the neighbor’s kid who shows up every night at dinnertime, dial six if you’ve never heard of birth control, dial seven for the number of a good urologist who performs quickie vasectomies.

You’ve dialed three. You have three children. Is this correct? Dial one if it’s correct, dial two if you’re still in denial.

You’ve dialed one. You have three children. Accept it. Are all of your children still living at home?

Dial one for yes, dial two for no, dial three for one or all living in the basement even though they’re over thirty, dial four if they’ve moved out but still come home on weekends to do their laundry and store their crap in your attic.

You’ve pressed one. All of your children are still living at home. Are you okay with this?

Dial one if you’re okay with it because they are all under the age of eighteen, dial two if you’re not okay with it even though they are all under the age of eighteen, dial three if you’re okay with it at naptime and bedtime but not dinnertime.

You’ve dialed one. Is the nature of your inquiry related to health, education, behavior, or something else? Dial one for health concerns, dial two for education, dial three for behavior, dial four if something else, dial five for all of the above, dial six for a listing of the liquor stores within your zip code.

You’ve dialed four. Your inquiry relates to something else.

Dial one if your inquiry relates to the Nintendo vs. PlayStation question, dial two if it relates to Barbie Dream House assembly confusion, dial three if it’s about your husband absentmindedly using your frozen breast milk baggies to ice his sore knee after he runs, dial four if you are feeling unloved and unappreciated, dial five if you can’t find your child’s library book and it’s due today, dial six if you’re out of cold cuts and there’s nothing to pack for school lunches, dial seven if you want to avoid getting the puppy your kids are begging for, dial eight if you’re a breastfeeding mother who isn’t experiencing the religious ecstasy everyone told you that you would as you nurse, dial nine if you still can’t figure out the goddamned car seat, and dial zero for more
options.

You’ve dialed five…you can’t find your child’s library book.

Have you tried the back of the minivan under the Derek Jeter Super Pro T-Ball Trainer Set? Dial one for yes but didn’t find it, dial two for no, didn’t look there yet.

You’ve dialed one. Well then, how about the playroom?

Dial one for yes, of course you did, dial two if you don’t have a playroom, dial three if your playroom consists of your entire house/apartment, dial four if you just realized your child returned the book three weeks ago.

You’ve dialed one. OK, smartypants, have you looked under the couch cushions? In the kitty litter box? The deli drawer in the fridge? The roof? Under the mattresses?

Dial one if you’ve looked everywhere, dial two if you haven’t, and dial three if you are ready to say screw it and just pay the fine.

You’ve dialed three. Good choice. Problem solved.

Is there anything else we can help you with today?

Dial one for yes, dial two for no, dial three if you want to run away from home.

You’ve dialed two. There is nothing more we can help you with at this time. You think you’ve got it all under control then, dontcha, lady? Well, you’ll be back! MWAHAHAHA!

Please assist us with a few more questions to help us serve you better.

Do you realize that your children have set fire to the living room sheers while you were on the phone?

Dial one for OMIGOD! HOLY SHIT! Dial nine-one-one for the fire department.

Wait! Wait! Thank you for using the Parent Helpline Automated Menu!"

Let's have a workout

How fun would it be if we could lose the flab without having to run and sweat it out at the gym everyday and heaving a sigh and having to reject a second or third helping of that chocolate fudge cake?According to this study now we can.The human brain is a 24-hour workhorse. While you’re thinking, millions of neurons fire messages back and forth to each other and to the various tissues in the body. These neurons need fuel, consuming a full 75 percent of the blood sugar from the liver and 20 percent of the body’s total used oxygen. Here’s how your neurons feed: Astrocytes—the cells near the capillary walls in your brain—suck energy-rich glucose from the bloodstream and convert it into a form that the neurons can soak up. The neurons then use it to fuel the production of neurotransmitters and, eventually, conscious thought.All we have to do is exercise our brain with a math book or a puzzle or any sort of mental work. “The more energy an area of the brain wants, the more glucose that part of the brain will break down,” explains neurologist Harry Chugani of the Children’s Hospital of Michigan. “So yes, if you’re thinking really hard and really struggling with your thoughts, the neurons in the frontal lobes of your brain will be burning a lot more glucose.”

How about we give our brain some exercise today and burn some calories?So put on your thinking caps and lets get to workout I mean ofcourse mental workout.See how many of these proverbs can you guess?

1.Each vaporous mass suspended in the firmament has an interior decoration of metallic hue.

2.It is not advantageous to place the sum total of your barnyard collections into the same wicker receptacle.

3Lack of what is required is the matriarch of inspiration.

4.Allow somnolent quadrupeds that are homo sapien's greatest comrades to remain reclining.

5.One more than one is a congenial group of invited guests, but one more than two is a multitude.

6.A ferrous alloy rope fashioned of interlocking loops is only as hearty as its least potent section.

7.Pulchritude pertains solely to the epidermis.

8.Taciturnity is aurous.
9.A single unit of a seam properly distributed at the correct measure of duration will maintain a square root of 81.

10.Exercise your visual facilities prior to executing a jump.

11.The herbage is customarily more verduous on the diametrical selvage of the property barrier.

12.Deviation from the ordinary or common routine of existence is that which gives zest to man's cycle of existence.

13.A red fruit of the Maius family absorbed into the digestive system every 1,440 minutes or 86,400 seconds, keeps a physician from your presence.

14.A consolidated mass which forms the earth's crust, and which progresses by turning over upon its surface without slipping, does not successfully gather together a cryptogamous plant.

15.A body of persons abiding in a domicile of silica combined with metallic oxides should not carelessly project small geological specimens.

Hmm..so how many did you guess??

Answers:

1.Every cloud has a silver lining
2.Don't put all your eggs in one basket
3.Neccesity is the mother of invention
4.Let sleeping dogs lie
5.Two's company ,three's a crowd
6.A chain is only as potent as its weakest link
7.Beauty is only skin deep
8.Silence is golden
9.A stitch in time saves nine
10.Look before you leap
11.The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
12.Variety is the spice of life
13.An apple a day keeps the doctor away
14.A rolling stone gathers no mass
15.People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

Your brain has successfully blasted through a respectable 1.5 calories a minute!that was a good workout ain't it?

Now I'm off to have a cookie,my treat after a workout.Go ahead and have yours:)

Just toying around

So Christmas came and left and hopefully you managed to get the toys and stuff that your kids really wanted.Now how about next Christmas?Just have a look at these toys and see if they make it to your list!

1.Gooey Louie:Go ahead take a guess what would be the speciality of this toy?Let me give you a clue,what can all you pick?I think we can pick friends,pick up some take out,pick some dresses yes even pick some gifts,so what does this guy do?well he encourages your kid to pick his nose!
The concept is simple. You have a big plastic head with a big hollow nose. Stick your grubby fingers up the nose and fish out rubber boogers one by one(truly by the look this guy has on his face I strongly feel he gets some strange sick pleasure from having people pick his nose) One of these gooeys however is attached to one of his nose hair( can it be any more gross than this!) and if you pull that one out "PLOP" his brains fly out of is head,Great!So now the kid can know that nose picking can perhaps cause brain to plop out of your skull,human anatomy lesson with fun,how much more educative can it get?Also, when you pull the special gooey, his eyes pop out when his brain launches. Isn't that sweet?To top this the Gooey guy even chats with you as you dig into his nose.When you turn him on, he starts this about-to-sneeze ah-ah-ah-ah-ah and when your fingers go digging, he starts saying "That tickles"! or "Pick me a winner"!
Truly I'm lost for words.

2.Gassy Gus- This toy will be hitting the market soon and claims that it will be causing bouts of laughter and fun for both kids and parents.And what do you think this toy does?yes it does exactly what the name suggests.A 3-Dimensional character, Gus sits comfortably in an easy chair and is fed different food cards. Food like a chili dog or macaroni and cheese have values which correspond to the amount of times players pump Gus’ head(there you go ,more bashing and bumping) Each pump expands his belly and sooner or later, Gus lets it rip(Great,eh?Is this going to replace all those other farting toys out there I wonder.Watchout next Halloween your kid just might want to be the mighty Gassy Gus won't that be funny?)Healthy food cards and extra pump cards create additional havoc and laughter(Bring it on,let's play burpy burpy and gassy gassy) But I won't be surprised if the Big fat guy Santa prefers this,maybe this issue is something close to his heart and he can totally sympathize with Gus.

3.Barbie's new dog Tanner-Will this Barbie stop hoarding things?apparently she hasn't,so here goes Barbie and her new Dog Tanner.With his chiselled looks and nippy little sports car, we always suspected Ken might be full of it – but now Barbie has gone and got herself a dog that's gone the same way too.Tanner not only looks like a loveable labrador but also poops like one too. Almost a soon as Barbie has fed the dog its biscuit treats, a little something comes out the other end(I almost chocked on my coffee when I saw this) Trust me it gets better.But, in a move designed to encourage responsible dog ownership, toy manufacturer Mattel has provided Barbie with a pooper scooper and bin too, meaning Tanner never has to leave any unwanted 'gifts' lying about on the carpet(A socially responsible Barbie,who picks after her dog,she can now replace Bush and take over).But something is strange because here the dog eats the biscuits and then poops them out and eats them again(so eating his own crap teaches kids such valuable lessons,isn't that a little disturbing?)

Tanner also comes equipped with dog toys, a bone, biscuit treats, a feeding bowl and a pink lead(Hopefully they are all sold together and not separate)And, just in case that does not get the message across, Mattel has produced a promotional video of Barbie and Tanner playing in the park that shows you how to 'potty train' your dog".(Honestly WHO is coming up with all these ideas and HOW much do they really get paid)

Imagine the conversation at the Barbie R&D(Mantell Inc) department meeting:

"Ok everybody, let's see what we've come up with so far. Barbie has a mansion,overflowing wardrobe,sea of fashion accessories Check. She has a nursery,a playset,even a stable check.She is a pet doctor,baby doctor,a model,a bride,a fairy all check.She even has a boyfriend Check.She now has a cat and a horse Check.Everything packaged well and marketed to attract and trap all small girls Check.Hmmmm.... what are we missing....come on let's brain storm,Yes Mrs.Handler?

Mrs.Handler:Sir,How about getting a dog for Barbie?

Mantell Inc:Excellent idea,yes Mr.Johnson?

Mr.Johnson:How about we introduce a dog which can be fed and which can poop in form of pellets which can be re-fed.Barbie can even pick them up after the dog with a scooper and throw it in the bin without using her hands! what's more we can perhaps later on create accessories for her dog too.

Mantell Inc:Brilliant Mr.Johnson,always thinking out of the box eh?

Mr.Johnson:Thank you Sir,This will definetly trap all those parents who think they can teach their little girls the responsibility that comes with keeping the dog and that Barbie cares about the society. Maybe even help her when she runs for President.


Mantell Inc:Absolutely!Ladies and gentlemen we now have a winner!

I can't even begin to laugh.I think the Gassy Gus gave me a stomach ache for not so favorable review,and the gooey man cursed me with some stuffed nose,before Barbie's dog thinks of taking a revenge let me go lie down for a while.Have a great day everyone!

My memo to my mom Fuzzy

Hi Folks,I'm Ina I guess my mom Fuzzylogic has been going on and on about me so I take it that you guys all kind of know me and so I need not introduce myself.Don't let her fool you with all those sweet things she says, I'm here today to present my case to my mom and let her know the things that's been kind of bothering me lately.You see I have always wondered what she keeps doing on this laptop of hers everyday for few hours,you know its like I have to actually vye for attention with this big screen fella.So I thought I'd check this big fella today and see what has he got that interesting.He does look like a pretty bright chap and I have heard him play some good music and even making my mom laugh,he is surely not thinking of taking her away from me do you?I'd smear all the peanut butter I have on his face and remove his so called keys(I think he is handicapped,you see I never see his legs or hands) and pull out his power cord(you know I have been subtly trying to hint him to stay off from enamouring my mom and just to give him a taste of how miserable I can make his life) I am even planning to get the puppy to pee on him,all in all I can fight the battle,puh!I don't think he'd last even one round!Anyway I digress as I said I'm here to write a memorandum to my mom.So let me get to it.

To:My mama Fuzzylogic

Re:your little daughter Ina

So,let me come straight to the point Mum.Until few months back things really were going pretty smooth in my life.Ok,why beat around the bush and lie to you,actually I think things could really have been better.Lately you've been making that "mean" face at me a lot and sometimes you do tend to vent a lot on the phone about me to granny.Ok,I will go easy on you as you are a first time parent but I can't promise it's always going to be this way,you better toughen up,things are going to get lot more tougher as I grow up.Also I have been noticing you are getting hassled with even the tiniest of things,like the other day when you put my bottle inside the oven and my potatoes inside the dishwasher.I think we really need to talk.

First things first:

1.Stop reading those parenting books and visiting those websites.I agree some of those books look pretty and has a lot of baby pics in them and are really colorful.Maybe you will find a few pointers in them but you see I'm actually very unique.I can tell you what I really want if you would play more often with me than reading those books and wasting both of our times.I can even share that pieces of cheese I find in the corners with you and we can have a fun time!

2.Tell dad to stop playing that really irritating Baby Einstein videos,I'm sick of hearing that boring music as well as those dumb looking images they show,how can that make me smart I want to know.All it usually makes me is crawl near the tv and switch it off(by the way,just to let you know I now know how to switch it on and off,including the home theatre receiver,beleive me it's kind of fun) and I love watching those kick ass videos on music channel,tell dad to keep up with the times!

3.Really stop getting me those annoying toys which make those jingling noises dumb sounds and sings pathetically some innane nursery songs,what do you take me for?I would really love to experiment more in my own way,and by the way next time you take me to the toy store can you please ask me what would I prefer?see I even said please.I do find the kitchen stuff you use very interesting,did you know that if I bang it hard and long enough it does have such a musical quality about it much better than those which the toys make.I would like to submit a request that you allow me more access to those cupboards and cabinets which house these interesting gadgets and tools.

4.Don't feed me things that are not in your plate.I never see those carrots,broccoli or peas feature daily on your plates.I know I'm willing to experiment and I'm at a stage where I should be tasting a whole variety of flavours but you see I too have my limits.Don't look at me and ask again and again whether I want cheese when I say "eeezzz" yes I do mean it as cheese and ofcourse I want it,why would I say it otherwise?And yes I love throwing the peas on the floor and squashing them and smearing them all over the high chair.Keep that tissue away from me while I'm at it.If you can't have it then take those peas off my plate please.Did you notice how my hair stands all straight when I use them as a hair gel,you never seem to notice how fashionable I'm being instead of trying to scoff and discourage me from doing them.No one recognizes the diva in the making.I demand my individual right to be messy.

5.I love going to Uncle A's place often,you know he is the only guy who allows me to take an easy stroll all around his house and play with his dvd player and he didn't even mind that I broke one of his favorite christmas tree ornaments the other day.You should take me to such places instead of the ones where I am forced to sit on your lap or on the stroller while you guys sit around and make boring conversations.I also don't like those negative intonations like "stop,no,don't" from your talk.They really bug me.

6.Last but not the least yes I like to repeat things and do same things over and over again.I don't like the way you take a deep sigh when I expect you to lift me up one more time and sing that song "Pat a cake".Get used to it!You are going to be doing a lot more of repetitions soon.By the way don't think I haven't noticed how even you and dad keep looking at the same things over and over again whenever we go to that food store.By the way that reminds me get some of that pear juice for me the next time we go to that store,I sort of love that taste and that small pen which lights when I shake it is pretty cool too,would love to have that one.Just add it to my wanted list.

Ok mom,I think that's it for now,keep watching for more memos as and when I feel the need.By the way I do love you a lot more than you know!

Hey folks,thanks for letting me submit this memo.All of you take care and thanks for being here with my mom!ciao gotta go and pee and smear some more yogurt and cheese on the floor.

Spirit of the teacher

Imagine your school Principal challenges the students to raise 500 pounds of food for the Daily bread food bank and says if we were to do that she would volunteer to feast on ants,larvaes and crickets.What would you do?I will tell you what we would do,we would eagerly jump at the opportunity to see her do that or fail doing that and get humiliated if she has been a not so likeable one,we would perhaps put in all our energy and double up the efforts to make sure the goal is definetly met over and above the required margin.Atleast that was what I would do!Its too good an opportunity to miss!comeon ,don't tell me you wouldn't rub your hands in glee and gather around to see the fun!

So perhaps this particular Principal truly underestimated her students that they wouldn't meet the goal,infact they did,they did meet the goal and not just met it but met it with such a huge margin!In the end, they raised more than 1,100 pounds of incredible edibles and true to her vow, the woman at the top rose to the challenge.

So began the day at a jam packed gymnasium of Dallington Public School in North York,Toronto and the Principal Danila Duliunas amidst of the chanting student crowd "Eat it ,eat it" started to consume her a la carte meal.It began with a slimy larvae snack that resembled maggots(you can insert your yucks and ewws here)which didn't go well at first and then followed the ants,then a few crickets and finally as a dessert some worms!She actually went through it fear factor style but was such a good sport that she even joked about it and told the students "Hey kids,this stuff is no good,I wouldn't really recommend it for you".I totally applaud this woman!amazing spirit and what a way to teach the kids about a noble cause.She is now ranked as the "super cool" teacher by the very kids who perhaps used to feel bugged out by her.I would perhaps loved to have had such a "cool" teacher too!:)

This perhaps was not the only case,I had read of another such incident where one more teacher challenged her students if each grade met its goal in a book-reading contest, she would eat worms.And when they did she went ahead and met her promise!Many might feel this way of motivation is not necessary and perhaps not healthy and not the right image for a teacher to behave,I am not recommending all teachers start practicing to eat worms to motivate students but I think having fun with the students can be a real motivator.Perks by teachers has always been a motivation to ace those tests to many of us.I had a teacher who used to treat her students with chocolate sundae everytime someone topped the test,my aunt who is also a teacher teaching grade 4 and 5 bakes a lovely walnut cake for her students whenever they do well on the tests,maybe those little perks did go a long way!

We used to have a Physical education teacher Miss J who was nothing but pure terror.She used to dress up in all white shirt and trousers with her hair pulled up in a tight bun at the back and black sunglasses!She was a well built lady and the whole combination plus a grim face used to remind us of Darthvader in white.It was an all girls high school and no boy would ever dare to enter the campus under her watchful eye.But boys still sneaked in but god only would have saved them if ever they got caught!Miss J was however a wonderful teacher,she made us sweat it out during the basket ball and running sessions and would train us with an iron hand.Our team got selected to the interstate basketball tournament and we spent more time than ever with her.At that time however we were not confident nor had an drive to win,it was all fun.She used to try her best to motivate us to snap out of that fun attitude and get the killer attitude:)One fine day just few weeks before the tournament she came to us and sat with us and asked us what would actually motivate us more?One of my friend who was more bolder than the rest jokingly blurted out "Miss J,mayabe if you promise us that you would get a makeover perhaps that would really motivate us" we thought she would give that grim look and burn us all down with another marathon practice session as a punishment but to our surprise she actually took it up and looked at the group and said "I accept,you girls win this for me and you will see me in a total different look" It took us a minute to see that she was serious (on second thoughts,she always was)But it really made us take the game a lot more serious,the motivation of having an opportunity to see her in a different look with her hair down was something we teenagers wouldn't miss could we?So we trained more hard.The day of the match as we nervously sat waiting for it to begin our motivation perhaps was only Miss J somehow we wanted to do it for her and to my friend who kept saying she wanted to see her in tank tops!:)we did manage to win the match.For us more than the win it was also the excitement of having to see our grim physical education teacher shed her Darthvader look.And so it did happen,in front of a big crowd of crazy high school girls cheering,Miss J arrived on stage looking all stylish with a skirt and a lovely blouse with make up and her hair let down and flowing and minus her sun glasses,a great pair of heels and a big wide smile!(we all fell off our chairs looking at her)she looked lovely and as one of my friends commented she looked quite elegant and graceful.Infact all the other teachers were also staring at her.She totally rocked.

It really was so worth it.She laughed with us that day,took us all out for dinner and even asked us how we found her look.Maybe that day we realised she was such a warm person and what she portrayed to us was in order to keep us in line and not because she was a Darth vader.We made her promise that she will wear other than just white to school and she did.She remained close to all of us even after we left high school.Even today though retired she continues to coach kids and remains just as amazing!

So I'm now running out of motivation to write anymore.Maybe I should go fix up some snack.Creepy crawlies anyone?:)
All you folks have a great weekend!