A photographic tale

I hate having my photos taken,especially the passport kinds which are expected to be so specific like how you grin,how little or more you grin or sometimes you don't grin at all,how the hair shouldn't fall on the shoulders,how your ears should be seen (I don't understand the concept,what has ears got to do with getting my passport or my I.D?Are they the next probable weapons in terrorism?Here,I can't see your ears,I bet you have hidden the bomb right there) how you should keep your neck straight and not tilted even little towards one side etc etc. So I went again to get the dreaded deed done as I urgently needed such painful photographs. I sat there fidgeting a bit,the solemn looking guy came with the camera and asked me "are you ready?" I thought "I am as ready as a patient about to get his teeth pulled".He then gave his instructions "You look straight ahead at the camera now and do as I say".

I sat there hoping this will be done in one take. He then said "hmm..you need to tilt your head a little to the left" so I did,next came "No,no,not that much,just a little " ok,my head sprang back to the little tilted position he wanted. Next "Oh,no no this time it is tilted a little more to the right,not so much". Damn my neck,I wish it came with screws so I could just tilt it to whatever position he wanted and fixed it right there. I just grit my teeth and complied . He said "Keep it that way only" I felt like retorting "Just wait, let me hand it over right to you so you can tilt in anyway you want" . Next second "No,no,you can't smile,this particular one requires you to have a serious look,no smiles not even a slight grin" hmm.would a murderous look do?that I think is pretty serious!anyway so wiped out the grin and kept the serious look. You know it's somehow uncanny that just when people ask you to have a serious look on your face you just can't do it. Anyway somehow reminded myself of the laundry I had to do and that got back that serious (read as bored)look on my face,I heard a click and finally thought this is it,I'm done. But no.He said"Oh,no,there's one strand of hair near your forehead and one on the shoulder,we have to do it again" WTH?couldn't he have seen it that time itself,I thought cameras had the thing called lenses which enlarge the view. So it began again after I tried to keep my unruly frizzy hair in control. But now flow was interrupted so it was time to do it all again "No,not to the left,little more to the right,no,not that serious look,you blinked!look straight,did you just roll your eyes?lift the chin up a little,oh,not that much,now if you would just not be so serious,lower the shoulders a little more,now we have it,no,again there's that little bit of hair,yes just hold that,here we go at last" and then all I could sense was a bright flash of light on my tired neck and face and FINALLY we had a photo which fit the specifications,Hallellujah!

I went home after getting myself a Tylenol and a cup of my Starbuck's white hot chocolate (I need some heavy duty calories when I am in distress) and the photo don't ask,it looks as if I am an escaped convict. The only thing that's missing is that name board and a lateral view of the same. Stupid specifications!why can't people be smiling?why can't they just look normal and not like some pissed off robots?Honestly if there was something I could change in this world I would ban such photographs,let people submit their funniest and most pleasant photo, so even if I get pulled over by the cop or the customs or the immigration officers anywhere atlaeast the photo will convey how sweet a person I am!

And there is second set of photos I don't like. When you attend wedding especially if you happen to be the bride and groom. This is another extreme where you are expected to do nothing but grin,grin,grin till your facial muscles reach their point of exhaustion.Then there are those sessions again with the same "look up,look down,turn to the side,keep the hands this way,keep the legs this way,smile,look thoughtful,look into each other's eyes,hold the hands blah blah" it's a pain. More so if you are an Indian traditional hindu bride!there are the henna photos, bangle photos,the hair photos,the jewellery photos,the reception photos,the ceremony photos,there's simply no end. It was during that time I felt a deep sympathy for the celebrities who are constantly in the limelight,the pressure ought to be enormous!No wonder they go and cut off their hair and go bald.

The third hated category are people with new cameras,its like a new high,they go berserk taking photos. It's as if everyone immediately becomes the official National geographic or fashion magazine photographers. They sit,stand,sleep,contort every possible muscle in the body to get that coveted photograph,if you are unfortunately the subject of their photograph god help you.They will make you pose near trees,flowers,waterfalls,monuments,the commands are always the same "little bit to the left,little to the right,look up ,turn little to the side,hold that flower near the face " there is nothing which makes me feel more stupid than posing holding flowers or something near to my face. Most of the times I end up scowling at such enthusiastic photographers and that itself says that I am no photographer's delight . Added to the set of enthusiastic photographers are the brand new parents,the poor baby gets assaulted left,right and centre bombarded with camera and camcorders from the time it wakes up till it goes down to sleep,there are photos when it poops,when it pees,smiles,cries,burps and coos. Actually I am guilty as charged too in this category,not so much as everyday and every waking moment but we do have a sizeable album and collection of Ina's photos as well,atleast until her absolutely smitten parents come to their senses or she can learn to put her feet down and refuse:)

But all said and done photographs are really wonderful way of capturing the moment but they ought not be imposed,I like the ones taken when people are at ease and doing what they love doing just in that rush of the moment. And there's certainly something about sitting on a rainy day at home sipping a cup of tea and reminiscing old moments looking at photographs together. But I still hold the same feelings towards the photos which are hazardous to my temper and my neck. For such photos I wish I could decapitate my head for a moment and place it so they could take it any angle they wish,afterall its just a head shot isn't it?well,that sounded pretty gruesome,I knew I shouldn't have watched that horror movie I saw last night:)Now you can throw eggs at me as I say "say cheese"!